A Fake Smile

Hey friends,
This week totally got away from me and I didn't have an outfit post to share with you. I was just going to let it slide and get back into the swing of things with a regular post on Tuesday. But then I woke up this morning to a DM on my Instagram that said:

"Hey Tea! love your feed and your blog! I notice that on your blog you always post how happy you are with your family and everything your doing but on your insta you always talk about depression and anxiety."

The message went on to talk about a few times where I had posted a "not so happy" instagram post, followed almost immediately by a (previously scheduled, though she wouldn't know that) peppy outfit post. Now - before you get all heated at this person, I really think she is trying to be supportive, I didn't read this as a malicious message in any way. She IS right though. I don't talk about my mental health issues often on the blog. I think of it as a fun way to share some outfits and a teeny tiny sliver of my life with anyone who stops by to read it. 

So I went and looked at my Instagram. And yeah, there are times when my posts seem conflicting - but no matter how often we talk about it, this is what people don't seem to be able to understand: when you're struggling with mental health issues - you can be *both*. I can be "happy" and "peppy" and upbeat and still be consumed with panic and self doubt and guilt and self-hatred. It's complicated. No one said it was easy. And yeah - sometimes, my most used accessory, is a fake smile. 

Because those of us who do struggle everday don't want to share it with everyone all the time. We don't want to bring you down, we don't want you to worry about it, we don't want you to second guess our enthusiasm for whatever you're sharing with us. We can be both happy and sad. Depression and anxiety aren't all or nothing things. 

I said to my husband just this morning: even though I KNOW that my thoughts are intrusive and not true, it doesn't stop me from thinking them. Even though I wake up in the morning and often wish I hadn't, it doesn't mean that I don't get up, get dressed, show up and try and make other people feel better. 

I'm glad this DMer doesn't understand. I don't want her to. I wouldn't wish this struggle on anyone.

And please know that if you are like me, and you are struggling, that there are people who care for you and love you. And it's okay to wear the fake smile.

Here are a few resources for places (In Canada) that you can go to find help if you, or a loved one, is struggling.

https://www.ementalhealth.ca/Canada/Crisis-Lines-including-Telephone-Online-and-Chat/index.php?m=heading&ID=21

https://thelifelinecanada.ca/pattern-interrupt/ecounselling/

https://www.ontario.ca/page/mental-health-services